Pant Moustache

last night's telly
Did anyone watch the C4 documentary about snuff movies?

they seemed unsure as to whether these things actually exist.

well, i can now confirm that they actually do. Carys and i make them all the time. only last night i snuffed her GOOD (phwoar). tonight it's her turn to snuff me out like the big fat candle that i am.

PHWOAR.

anyone wishing to purchase these video nasties should send a cheque for £49.99 to me.

then wait for further instructions.

Current Mood: silly
Current Music: "Enough's s'nuff" (geddit) - Mark and The Corporation

Cleopatra, comin' atchya
The Head Doctor is in.

He will be receiving patients at http://www.myspace.com/theheaddoctor

this much is true.

the rest?

Current Mood: relieved
Current Music: "Techno? Schmeckmo!" - The Head Doctor

Drunk teenage girls
she laughed.

she jumped.

she fell over.

she laughed.

she was drunk.

she remembers little.

her name rhymes with 'Harris'

Current Mood: satisfied
Current Music: "Hurry Up Harry" - Sham 69

uh?
Mummy: "Ashlie, where do apples come from?"

(Clue: the answer is TREE)

Ashlie: "errrr, Sheep."

hmmm.

In other news, there will soon be a travelling show, two bits a gander to see Carys say 'sbubbeteo'.

Current Mood: grateful
Current Music: Naked in front of the computer - FNM

The Brit Awards in summary
The bin bags i bought were FAR too big.

They were, in fact, REFUSE sacks.

Big enough for a corpse.

Current Mood: naughty
Current Music: "Meh" - Smee

baby i'm tired...
i dont' really have a lot to say.

harvester does nice pizzas. yes.

Carys cannot say the word mollusc. she says mollocks (which is a better word).

she's never even heard of subbuteo. who's never heard of subbuteo? she can't say that either. she says sbubbuteo. which is also a good word (and unnecessarily difficult to say).

i'm disappointed that so few of you seem to take baths, and those that do don't attempt to make the water GUSH out, not knowing its temperature.

as for elliott and his 'legs akimbo' approach to bathing, that says more for him (against him) than i ever could.

i (me) am hungry.

Current Mood: touched
Current Music: "Girl with the hazel eyes" - The Darkness

Picture the scene...
...You're lying in the bath, as I was this chilly Sunday morning.

It's a nice bath, quite deep, plenty of hot water. Like me, you have a tap that never *QUiTE* turns off - it always drips slightly. You run your toe over the rippled underside of the tap (where the water comes out), teasing it, cajoling the liquid inside to rush out. But herein lies the dilemma.

Will the water be cold, providing a nice cooling sensation for the big toe, or will hot water cascade over your foot, scalding the skin and mocking your childish attempts at play?

It's a situation we've all faced, I know. So that is the theme of the class survey for today.

WHEN YOU RAN YOUR BiG TOE OVER (UNDER) THE SURFACE (UNDERSiDE) OF THE TAP, DiD HOT OR COLD WATER GUSH OUT?

In conclusion - staying too long in the bath makes your skin go wrinkly.

Current Mood: satisfied
Current Music: Bleeding 'music' advert for The Wiggles on Ashlie's free DVD

Rock n Fuckin' Roll
Of course i forgot to mention i did actually turn a band down.

they wanted a drummist (obviously) for their new project, described as (among other things)

"a bit like the Kaiser Chiefs, but not as...punk"

quoi?

punk, you say?

quoi?

PUNK?

oh dear.

in other news, blah blah blah, no work, going to lose job, still looking for blah blah blah.

bleh.

Current Mood: lazy
Current Music: The Carpenters, but not as...sludgecore

cracking telly, gromit
did anyone see "the root of all evil?" last night?

richard dawkins' asassination of all world religion. fantastic. unfortunately, i missed the first half of it put still caught plenty of juicy stuff, including the christian 'fascists' in the US and a jewish-born New Yorker who converted to Islam and now sounds like a budget bin laden.

triffic.

anyone who missed it, channel 4, 8pm mondays. there's one one next week you see.

you can also join the fun at www.channel4.com/culture

excerpt:

"Richard Dawkins is astounded that religious faith is gaining ground in the face of rational, scientific truth based on hard evidence".

nice.

Current Mood: productive
Current Music: "Empty Skies" - a song i never finished writing as a teen

Wot i meant
What i meant yesterday was that it wouldn't matter if i never came to work. no-one would miss me. obviously, if i committed suicide, the world as we know it would cease to exist.

er...

it's cold today. very cold. i always feel that after the longest night, after christmas and new year, it gets warmer again - forgetting that this is simply not true. it's bitterly cold. and trying to rain.

i should finish this random string as i'm very hungry and my lunch is sitting nearby, tempting me with its chickeny goodness.

oh, and there may finally be a break in the dry spell vis-a-vis bands. could be a complete change of direction for me as well. will let you know more WHEN i CAN.

otters.

Current Mood: lonely
Current Music: "Funk it up for Trenchtown" - Bradford Argus

The return to wok
i'm quite sure no-one would miss me if i were gone.

in summary - dispassionate.

Current Mood: predatory
Current Music: "Bland Melancholia" - Numpty Brigade

My weekend in summary
Little Christmas tree on my desk to open-top desk fan:

"Where's the beef?"

In summary, i saw a man in a Melt Banana T-shirt. it made me smile.

Current Mood: loved
Current Music: "Furious Clock Winding" - Captain Gaydar

a long time since inspiration took hold...
10 cls

20 print "i am bored at work"

30 goto 20

banana in disk driver error.

Current Mood: sleepy
Current Music: None - The Nuns

John Virgo's Trick Shot
it's only a game, so put up a real good fight,

i'm gonna be snookering you tonight,

dur ne nur ne nur ne nur ne nur

i'm famed for my aim so,

you'd better believe i'm right

i'm gonna be snookering you,

snookering you tonight,

snookering you,

snookering you tonight

BiG BREAK!

Current Mood: weird
Current Music: "Snooker Loopy" - Chas n Dave

it's been a while, so...
If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, even if we don't speak often, please post a comment with a memory of you and me. It can be anything you want, either good or bad. I promise not to come after you with a spatula, either way.

When you're finished, post this little paragraph on your LJ and be surprised (or mortified) about what people remember about you.

i bet i get no responses.

Current Mood: crushed
Current Music: "Sister Christian" - Nightranger (in my head)

aaah,

the smell of dope

the gentle pop pop pop of gunfire

the coarse dropping of Ts and mangling of the English language.

must be the start of term.

172-5? oooh er.

Current Mood: rejected
Current Music: "Dreadlock Holiday" - 10cc (Think about it)

Hogmockery (the art of teasing pigs)
no-one replied to my moment of pant-related skill. how disappointing. makes you wonder why you bother with a JOURNAL, if no-one READS it. ho hum.

still, full marks to teamtalk.com, who, reporting the (allegedly) imminent arrivals at Everton of Andy van der Meyde from Inter and Matteo Ferrari from Roma, came up with the headline of the day:

yup, you've guessed it...

"Van and Ferrari drive in for Everton".

class.

Current Mood: nauseated
Current Music: "Chicken Worrier" - Wild Alf Pubes -from the album "Thrombo"

el disastro de electricidad
Well, picture the scene:

a hotly contested game of 5-a-side at Bricket Wood Sports Centre. Mid-August, the sun blazing down.

a move starts on the left flank. a crossfield pass, hit towards Richmond Sides (for it is he). with the elegance of a young Zico and the awareness of Cruyff, Sides ducks under said ball, to allow said pass to continue to a team-mate on the right wing, a 'dummy' if you will.

two things occurred:

1. there was no team-mate behind me on the right wing. the ball went miles away.

2. i ripped my underpants in two.

my performance worsened from there.

Current Mood: lonely
Current Music: "Half a pair" - the new album by Underpant

My thyme in Whales
In summary

dim cum (cwm) = no dogs.

I think that says it all.

Current Mood: productive
Current Music: Kate Bus - "Mass transit" (extended ragga mix)

A peculiar happenstance
Everybody knows Dale.

everybody knows Dale is a goth.

what's his surname?

Does it begin with a K?

as in King, Kilbane, Kinsey, Kobain, Kjaelorjes (or something)

then he'd be Dale K

or DaleK

Dalek.

What a goth!

white wee-wee.

Current Mood: drained
Current Music: A mixture of "Ugly in the morning" and EdMed

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