Pant Moustache

last night's telly

2006-04-19T10:54:49Z

Did anyone watch the C4 documentary about snuff movies?

they seemed unsure as to whether these things actually exist.

well, i can now confirm that they actually do. Carys and i make them all the time. only last night i snuffed her GOOD (phwoar). tonight it's her turn to snuff me out like the big fat candle that i am.

PHWOAR.

anyone wishing to purchase these video nasties should send a cheque for £49.99 to me.

then wait for further instructions.

Cleopatra, comin' atchya

2006-03-30T12:30:12Z

The Head Doctor is in.

He will be receiving patients at http://www.myspace.com/theheaddoctor

this much is true.

the rest?

Drunk teenage girls

2006-03-07T13:44:32Z

she laughed.

she jumped.

she fell over.

she laughed.

she was drunk.

she remembers little.

her name rhymes with 'Harris'

uh?

2006-02-23T14:04:42Z

Mummy: "Ashlie, where do apples come from?"

(Clue: the answer is TREE)

Ashlie: "errrr, Sheep."

hmmm.

In other news, there will soon be a travelling show, two bits a gander to see Carys say 'sbubbeteo'.

The Brit Awards in summary

2006-02-16T20:07:40Z

The bin bags i bought were FAR too big.

They were, in fact, REFUSE sacks.

Big enough for a corpse.

baby i'm tired...

2006-02-03T11:24:31Z

i dont' really have a lot to say.

harvester does nice pizzas. yes.

Carys cannot say the word mollusc. she says mollocks (which is a better word).

she's never even heard of subbuteo. who's never heard of subbuteo? she can't say that either. she says sbubbuteo. which is also a good word (and unnecessarily difficult to say).

i'm disappointed that so few of you seem to take baths, and those that do don't attempt to make the water GUSH out, not knowing its temperature.

as for elliott and his 'legs akimbo' approach to bathing, that says more for him (against him) than i ever could.

i (me) am hungry.

Picture the scene...

2006-01-30T12:32:40Z

...You're lying in the bath, as I was this chilly Sunday morning.

It's a nice bath, quite deep, plenty of hot water. Like me, you have a tap that never *QUiTE* turns off - it always drips slightly. You run your toe over the rippled underside of the tap (where the water comes out), teasing it, cajoling the liquid inside to rush out. But herein lies the dilemma.

Will the water be cold, providing a nice cooling sensation for the big toe, or will hot water cascade over your foot, scalding the skin and mocking your childish attempts at play?

It's a situation we've all faced, I know. So that is the theme of the class survey for today.

WHEN YOU RAN YOUR BiG TOE OVER (UNDER) THE SURFACE (UNDERSiDE) OF THE TAP, DiD HOT OR COLD WATER GUSH OUT?

In conclusion - staying too long in the bath makes your skin go wrinkly.

Rock n Fuckin' Roll

2006-01-17T13:49:48Z

Of course i forgot to mention i did actually turn a band down.

they wanted a drummist (obviously) for their new project, described as (among other things)

"a bit like the Kaiser Chiefs, but not as...punk"

quoi?

punk, you say?

quoi?

PUNK?

oh dear.

in other news, blah blah blah, no work, going to lose job, still looking for blah blah blah.

bleh.

cracking telly, gromit

2006-01-10T14:27:25Z

did anyone see "the root of all evil?" last night?

richard dawkins' asassination of all world religion. fantastic. unfortunately, i missed the first half of it put still caught plenty of juicy stuff, including the christian 'fascists' in the US and a jewish-born New Yorker who converted to Islam and now sounds like a budget bin laden.

triffic.

anyone who missed it, channel 4, 8pm mondays. there's one one next week you see.

you can also join the fun at www.channel4.com/culture

excerpt:

"Richard Dawkins is astounded that religious faith is gaining ground in the face of rational, scientific truth based on hard evidence".

nice.

Wot i meant

2006-01-04T12:42:11Z

What i meant yesterday was that it wouldn't matter if i never came to work. no-one would miss me. obviously, if i committed suicide, the world as we know it would cease to exist.

er...

it's cold today. very cold. i always feel that after the longest night, after christmas and new year, it gets warmer again - forgetting that this is simply not true. it's bitterly cold. and trying to rain.

i should finish this random string as i'm very hungry and my lunch is sitting nearby, tempting me with its chickeny goodness.

oh, and there may finally be a break in the dry spell vis-a-vis bands. could be a complete change of direction for me as well. will let you know more WHEN i CAN.

otters.

The return to wok

2006-01-03T12:09:51Z

i'm quite sure no-one would miss me if i were gone.

in summary - dispassionate.

My weekend in summary

2005-12-19T12:17:31Z

Little Christmas tree on my desk to open-top desk fan:

"Where's the beef?"

In summary, i saw a man in a Melt Banana T-shirt. it made me smile.

a long time since inspiration took hold...

2005-12-13T15:20:25Z

10 cls

20 print "i am bored at work"

30 goto 20

banana in disk driver error.

John Virgo's Trick Shot

2005-11-18T13:46:22Z

it's only a game, so put up a real good fight,

i'm gonna be snookering you tonight,

dur ne nur ne nur ne nur ne nur

i'm famed for my aim so,

you'd better believe i'm right

i'm gonna be snookering you,

snookering you tonight,

snookering you,

snookering you tonight

BiG BREAK!

it's been a while, so...

2005-11-04T13:34:35Z

If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, even if we don't speak often, please post a comment with a memory of you and me. It can be anything you want, either good or bad. I promise not to come after you with a spatula, either way.

When you're finished, post this little paragraph on your LJ and be surprised (or mortified) about what people remember about you.

i bet i get no responses.

richmond_sides @ 2005-09-12T13:46:00

2005-09-12T12:48:52Z

aaah,

the smell of dope

the gentle pop pop pop of gunfire

the coarse dropping of Ts and mangling of the English language.

must be the start of term.

172-5? oooh er.

Hogmockery (the art of teasing pigs)

2005-08-26T13:28:34Z

no-one replied to my moment of pant-related skill. how disappointing. makes you wonder why you bother with a JOURNAL, if no-one READS it. ho hum.

still, full marks to teamtalk.com, who, reporting the (allegedly) imminent arrivals at Everton of Andy van der Meyde from Inter and Matteo Ferrari from Roma, came up with the headline of the day:

yup, you've guessed it...

"Van and Ferrari drive in for Everton".

class.

el disastro de electricidad

2005-08-16T11:31:55Z

Well, picture the scene:

a hotly contested game of 5-a-side at Bricket Wood Sports Centre. Mid-August, the sun blazing down.

a move starts on the left flank. a crossfield pass, hit towards Richmond Sides (for it is he). with the elegance of a young Zico and the awareness of Cruyff, Sides ducks under said ball, to allow said pass to continue to a team-mate on the right wing, a 'dummy' if you will.

two things occurred:

1. there was no team-mate behind me on the right wing. the ball went miles away.

2. i ripped my underpants in two.

my performance worsened from there.

My thyme in Whales

2005-07-13T13:56:48Z

In summary

dim cum (cwm) = no dogs.

I think that says it all.

A peculiar happenstance

2005-06-17T14:32:58Z

Everybody knows Dale.

everybody knows Dale is a goth.

what's his surname?

Does it begin with a K?

as in King, Kilbane, Kinsey, Kobain, Kjaelorjes (or something)

then he'd be Dale K

or DaleK

Dalek.

What a goth!

white wee-wee.

A painful mole

2005-06-15T13:44:46Z

has anyone seen me biscuit clenchers?

i thought i could cope with it, but i can't.

tonight, i am to put the cat amongst the pigeons. (for CAT read BABY and for PiGEONS read KiTTENS).

it sounds like a sexual metaphor, doesn't it? "i'm off home to put the cat amongst the pigeons". ooer mr. grimsdale.

i thought of another one i might share with you all. the gentlemen (and perhaps some of the ladies) among us may be aware of occasionally having a, er, burning ring. le sphinctre flambé, as the french would say. may i suggest the next time you are inflicted with said ailment, you enter a room and loudly announce in a Yorkshire accent:

"hey, mutha, me barn door's on fire!"

pseutomatica.

That Friday feeling

2005-06-10T13:45:46Z

Everybody knows, Bodger loves

MASHED POTATOES!!

he makes them into shapes and eats them every day.

Bodger and Boadger, Bodger and Badger

la la la l-la, la la la l-la

Bodger and Badger are never far away!

(to the tune of Bodger and Badger)

next week, the theme music to Howard's Way. or is that Howard Sway?

nur n-nur, nur nur nur nur n-nur

A romanticised view of love

2005-06-08T13:43:32Z

oh dear.

this morning, a lady called and said that another lady had left her handbag in her ceramics class last night. so i had to go upstairs in order to retrieve it. in itself, this is an uninteresting story, but i then had to walk back through the college, at 9.00am, in front of all the chavs/casuals/ruperts/bumelfs, carrying a LARGE black lady's handbag(*). i felt quite gay.

(*) incidentally, the bag was large and black. i am not aware of the physical proportions or ethnic background of said ceramicist.

in otter news, when i was trying to sleep last night, i had a semi-asleep dozy daydream sort of thing. it was only momentary, but in it, HALF AN ARTHUR lobbed a tub of margarine at my head. full pelt. it was mean.

mind you, it was only one of those itsy bitsy 250g ones, so i doubt it would have killed me.

i still dunn'n'n''nn't know why he did it.

My bleeding anus

2005-05-23T13:55:14Z

to sum up recent events:

from _mrs_bungle_:

8. Finally, what is your favorite deadly sin?: Lust..

er? i'm sure that if you had a boyfriend, or 'life partner', they wouldn't be too keen on hearing that. hmmm.

plus, apparently i'll die from suicide. no surprise there then.

i missed eurovision.

4-2-2-2 or 4-1-1-2-2?

4-3-3 or 4-2-3-1?

i can't decide.

Oh, and for those of you who know him, Russell Garner will probably be visiting hartsfrdshire THiS WEEKEND. ho hum.

(teeth)

Bung Hole

2005-05-18T09:44:35Z

Last night, it was very late, beyond the witching hour (goth), and i was in the bathroom doing upstairs toilet. now, young mr walrus and baby asherlee were both asleep and tiddles was in bed with her book, so i obviously didn't want to disturb anyone.

now, for those of you who haven't used the water closet in my appartments, it's fine, except that the toilet seat lid falls rapidly (or rabidly) if it is in the gentleman's upright position. as i was doing upstairs toilet, it was in the upright position.

imagine my horror then when i started doing my business and the lid fell at some speed. what could i do? i was in full stream, ashlie was asleep, as was baby walrus, and tiddles gets cross when i make a noise. quick as a flash, using my finely-honed cat-like reactions, i flashed out a mitt, grabbed the offending item mid drop, and continued pointing percy at the porcelain with a droppage rate of 0.

i was quite impressed.

i bet no-one talks to me ever again.